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| Raptormania! Dedicated to Bard College Basketball Since 2000 |
"I just thank God for the opportunity."
- Jessica Stannmen
Cooper Union's heart and soul, on what it is
like to play against Michael Mandlin. 2/01
- Jessica Stannmen
Cooper Union's heart and soul, on what it is
like to play against Michael Mandlin. 2/01
Disclaimer: Raptormania! is a satirical website. Facts and quotes in news and game stories are fictional. All separate interview stories,
however, are real.
however, are real.
| Vassar Accepts, Rejects 76 Students Saved From Hobo Life January 29, 2012 |
| The grim news came via e-mail: 76 students, who'd committed no crime other than the massive error in judgment of applying to Vassar College, were given their grim fate: they'd been accepted into the institution named "Most Familiar Surroundings" by a panel of former inmates at Attica Prison. Slowly, tearfully, they shared the news with friends and loved ones. Plans to build careers and families were quietly shelved. Bindles were packed. But suddenly, a reprieve: it turns out Vassar had sent out the cruel hoax by mistake. Vassar's Computer Science department objected to those who would criticize it for failing to prevent such a heartbreaking turn of events as making an 18-year-old briefly think the future was filled with nothing but four years of Poughkeepsie, followed by decades of government assistance. "That we sent an e-mail out at all represents a huge leap forward for our college," Professor Lucas O'Neill, chair of the Vassar Electrical Stuff program, wrote in a letter composed in crayon on the back of an Elmo Learns To Read coloring book, and sent with the assistance of 27 other Vassar graduates. Like the dozens who survived the Hindenburg disaster, the Lucky 76 have taken stock of their lives, realizing just how fortunate they were to be spared the indignity of telling their neighbors they went to Vassar, only to be ridiculed by everyone else in that cardboard box. As the New York Times wrote, "Kareen Troussard, a student in Paris, said the episode might have saved her." Reporting truth like that almost makes up for Judith Miller AND Jayson Blair. |
| BARD 59, VASSAR 57 January 10, 2012 |
| Two free throws by Matt Shubert with just ten seconds left gave the Bard Raptors a 59-57 victory over Vassar College, words Raptormania! has been desperate to type since the site's founding 12 years ago. "In a way it kind of puts our program on the map," Bard coach Adam Turner said following the game, clearly ignoring the graphic in this site's banner. A panicked Vassar student body realized that 17 years of dirty tricks, paid-off referees and the employment of clearly sub-standard academic candidates as "student" athletes had failed to hold off the wholesome, organic growth of the Bard athletics program. In many ways, this victory echoed the freedoms brought about by the Arab Spring. Vassar is left to consider exactly what its long-term athletics plan might be, considering that in just a decade, the Brewers have progressed from NCAA Tournament participants to a team that has been utterly surpassed by Bard College. Meanwhile, Vassar is reduced to scheduling the Culinary Institute of America and Sarah Lawrence, two programs that have long since fallen off the ever-improving Bard non-conference schedule. Without academics or athletics to point to, it appears Vassar's best bet is to simply attach itself to a nearby college as a satellite, and advertise itself as "Marist's Nose Ring". On this night, and many to come, Vassar had another name: "Bard's Bitch." |
| BARD, VASSAR REDECORATE Both Teams Feature Prominent Aspects Of Programs, Histories June 30, 2010 |
ABOVE: The redesigned home floor at Stevenson Gym features the new logo, championship banners, and state-of-the-art construction. BELOW: The Vassar home floor has been emblazoned with Harry the Hobo Clown (Plus-Sized), in honor of Vassar's most successful graduate. |
| List of '11-'12 Victims Released June 30, 2011 |
| The tectonic shift of basketball power Bard College from the Skyline Conference to the Liberty League is apparent in the Raptors' 2011-12 schedule. While the Skyline teams, free of the ominous reality that basketball season means second place at best, celebrate their newfound freedom, it is the ironically-named Liberty League that will suffer under the yoke of Raptor thrashings for seasons to come. The season opens with nine out-of-conference matchups. Bard begins by defeating John Jay, a tough opponent out of the CUNYAC featuring conference rookie of the year Jamar Harry. The victory by Bard is expected to mirror the three days with palsy John Jay suffered through before dying in 1829. The Raptors will also defeat Albany Pharmacy, the team that gave up 45 points to a young Raptor years ago named... Adam Turner. Other non-conference casualties include Yeshiva on November 22, Mount St. Mary's on November 29 (both on the road), as well as Rutgers-Camden on December 7. The brutality unleashed by Bard that night is expected to leave Camden looking... pretty much as it does now. Conference play begins on January 10, 2012 with the ritual slaughter of Vassar College, this time in Poughkeepsie. On February 14, the St. Valentine's Day Massacre of Vassar takes place at Stevenson Gymnasium. Other Liberty League victims include Skidmore, Union, Hobart, St. Lawrence, and RPI, whose team will be able to compute to the forty-third decimal place both how big Bard's can of whoop-ass is, and the precise moment Bard opened it. |
