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| Raptormania! TEN YEARS Dedicated to Bard College Basketball |
"I just thank God for the opportunity."
- Jessica Stannmen
Cooper Union's heart and soul, on what it is
like to play against Michael Mandlin. 2/01
- Jessica Stannmen
Cooper Union's heart and soul, on what it is
like to play against Michael Mandlin. 2/01
Disclaimer: Raptormania! is a satirical website. Facts and quotes in news and game stories are fictional. All separate interview stories,
however, are real.
however, are real.
| Raptors Crush Blue Jays January 7, 2010 |
| The Bard Raptors treated the NYU-Poly Blue Jays like a crazed cat with a taste for blood, crushing the overmatched opponents in mind, body and spirit, 73-53 before a zealous Stevenson Gym crowd not quite as panicked as they should be about their Senior Projects. The Raptors dominated in every facet of the game, making sure that after several close calls, this game wouldn't be in doubt. Forrest Alvarez-Ringer led Bard with 13 points, while all-world point guard Justin White had 12 and "Arkansas' Pride" David Pollett had 11. Frank Stortini had 8 points and 16 rebounds, or more than half of NYU-Poly's 31. The Raptors raced out to a 40-21 lead, then managed a half of shooting so accurate that Annie Oakley reportedly came back from the dead to offer herself sexually to any Raptor player. Bard shot better than 60 percent in the second half from the field, 80 percet from three-point range. Following the game, the Raptors chose not to bend the Blue Jays over and spank them, at midcourt, one-by-one, fearing that the redundancy between the public flogging and the game would bore spectators. Bard next heads to Farmingdale State, with only an EPA investigation into the team's cruelty to Blue Jays standing as the one negative from Thursday's win. NYU-Poly, meanwhile, heads home to take stock of their shattered lives. |
| Is Turner Youngest D-III Coach? You Be the Judge August 19, 2009 |
Turner Yoder While Adam Turner, just 25 years old, proves himself to be the Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart of basketball coaches, some dubious Salieris are already trying to steal the spotlight. According to an e-mail sent to Raptormania!, Jared Yoder, the coach of Philadelphia Biblical University, claims to be 25- and born ten months after Adam Turner! It should come as no surprise, however, that Yoder does not have any proof of this late birth. No birth certificate can be found anywhere on the Philly Bible athletics Web site, leading to disturbing questions that even Lou Dobbs is too cowed to bring up on his program. Yoder's true age, it appears, is far older than 25. Raptormania! has obtained a copy of his birth certificate, which proves that not only is Adam Turner the youngest coach in Division III, but that Jared Yoder is a citizen of Kenya. No wonder Yoder won't put this up on his site: it turns out he was born in 1066, which means he not only predates Adam Turner by 918 years, he was part of the baby boom that immediately followed the Battle of Hastings. Coming from Olde Timey Town, with a father from Even Older Timey Town, it is hard to believe Yoder thought he'd be able to put this one over on the American people. |
| White Continues Rewriting Raptors' Record Book January 8, 2010 |
| Justin White continued to solidify his claim as the greatest player in Bard basketball history, shattering a pair of records and leaving opponents slack-jawed with awestruck wonder. White crossed the 1,500 point threshold this week en route to a 31-point performance against SUNY-Maritime, becoming just the second player in Bard history to do so. To put this in perspective, if each of White's 1,500 points were elephants, stacked atop one another, it would represent a rough estimate of the heights White's career has reached. White also broke Demitrius Washington's all-time record for three-point field goals made, and plans to repeatedly break his own record in every remaining game Bard plays this season. The reverberations from White's record-breaking are still being felt. In honor of his shooting from downtown, Red Hook, NY is planning to name its downtown area Whiteville, as soon as it builds a downtown area. Record books are also expected to be renamed "Justin Whites", much as tissues became known as "Kleenex". And the NCAA will take up a proposal to make every three-point line in the country white in Justin's honor, since it is universally acknowledged that he owns the area behind it. |
| BARD HIRES ADAM TURNER Greatest Player in School History Set to Become Greatest Coach, Too August 7, 2009 |
As Raptormania! celebrates its tenth anniversary, the outlook for Bard basketball has bever looked brighter. By hiring Raptors legend Adam Turner as head men's basketball coach, the Bard Athletics Department has provided the best tenth anniversary present since Larry David's wife gave him permission to have sex with that dry cleaner played by Gina Gershon on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Turner brings nothing but strengths to the table. His on-court knowledge is without equal. He has a strong working relationship with many of the current players, an unparalleled recruiting network already, a tireless work ethic and an intelligence that will inform every facet of his work. Only the reality that the universe is expanding- meaning one day it will break apart and destroy everything within- stands as a limitation to Turner's tenure. But that isn't expected to happen for thousands of years- years that will be dominated by Bard basketball, thanks to the hiring of Adam Turner. |
