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2008-2009
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Raptormania!
A Fan Site Dedicated to Bard College Basketball
Bard Releases 2008-09 Schedule
March 18, 2008
OUTRAGE: NCAA Tournament Snubs Bard
March 3, 2008
Jennifer Watson: The Raptormania! Profile
The winningest coach in Bard Women's Basketball History Chats about life, victories, and EBay
January 13, 2008
Despite quality wins over Rivier, Mt. St. Mary's, and a sweep of SUNY-Purchase, the NCAA selection committee chose convention over integrity and denied Bard a berth in the 2007-08 NCAA tournament.
The
Raptors' Massey Rating was higher than schools ranging from Colorado College to Philadelphia Bible, even with Massey's refusal to deny his system's anti-liberal arts school bias.
While Vassar College was also denied a bid, since the committee does not believe in charitable donations, the school's art department is currently celebrating Vassar's athletics tradition.
"I just thank God for the opportunity."
- Jessica Stannmen
Cooper Union's heart and soul, on what it is
like to play against Michael Mandlin.     2/01
   Disclaimer: Raptormania! is a satirical website. Facts and quotes in news and game stories are fictional. All separate interview stories, however, are real.
3. What is it like to already be the all-time winningest coach on Bard women's basketball history, with 19 wins? Has your life peaked?
You know, I don't see it getting much better than this! In all honesty, I am very proud of this program and the women who have not only played for me, but also all of the women who paved the way for this success. I expect big things in the upcoming years, so I plan on crushing that record before I retire to the Bahamas.

Click Here for full interview!
Like your next-door neighbor's teenage daughter, Bard's basketball program looks better with each passing year, as evidenced by the strongest schedule in team history.
But that schedule does not include cowardly Vassar, who, like a miniskirted woman in her late 40s at a dance club, inspires nothing but a mixture of pity and disgust.
The Raptors will open their second season in the  Skyline Conference with a pair of tournaments. Likely opening opponent Wheaton College travels east to sacrifice itself at the altar of Bard's championship season. The game against a team fresh off a trip to the NCAA Sectional Finals will serve as a shofar call to all Raptor opponents: Bard is Abraham, and all of you will be the ram, not Isaac.
Other first semester highlights include the Bard Raptors' own tournament, which includes perennial power Rivier College (who Bard defeated this past season), and a pre-Thanksgiving trip to Yeshiva, where the enormity of Bard's victory will make the pogroms inspired by Russian czar Alexander II seem like homemade borscht.
Second semester includes a battle at Stevenson Gym against NESCAC foe Wesleyan, to settle once and for all which is better-the NESCAC or the Skyline. Not included on the schedule is Vassar, who ducked Bard once again. Considering Vassar's 07-08 schedule was
weaker than its valedictorian's grasp of basic grammar, it is clear the school's basketball program is fading faster than a Vassar grad learns to say "Would you like fries with that?"

VIEW COMPLETE 08-09 SCHEDULE
Vassar Coach Promoted to High School
August 20, 2008
POUGHKEEPSIE - In a devastating blow to the already-reeling Vassar basketball program, head coach Mike Dutton has left for a far more prestigious job at a high school in Maine.
"When an opportunity comes along to be a gym teacher at a high school, you don't hold onto a third-rate job like coaching Vassar basketball," said Dutton as he literally walked on air. "Once they told me I'd also get the chance to grumpily chaperone the senior prom, I was packing my bags."
Dutton took over a Vassar program that had languished, winning just 33 percent of its games, and took it to heights no Vassar student could dream of or even count to, winning 48 percent of his contests. This impressed the Vassar faithful, who were unable to perform the simple subtraction to determine that meant the Brewers were losing 52 percent of their games.
Dutton takes the reins as athletic director at North Yarmouth Academy in Maine, which offers students a chance to either take physical education or courses in the performing arts. Dutton is expected to bring tapes of his Vassar squads badly impersonating a basketball team, along with long stretches of playing dead, which students at North Yarmouth can use as models for either choice.
Dutton is replaced by Del Harris, who last coached as an assistant at Morgan State University in 2006-07. The Bears improved from 13-18 with Harris assisting to 22-11 in 2007-08 with Harris gone.
"I am deeply humbled to have this very exciting opportunity at Vassar College," joked Harris.