Next Game
Nov. 17
at Vassar
Radio: TBA
TV: TBA

2009-2010
Schedule
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The Coach
Adam Turner










The Team
Christian Marghella
Yonah Greenstein
Jeremy Arnstein
Frank Stortini
Matt Shubert
Anton Popov
Awet Eyob
Lamar Powell
Alvaro Llanes
Ben Kane
Carlos Gadelha
Nicolai Eddy





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Website Creator
Howard Megdal

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Raptormania!
TEN YEARS Dedicated to Bard College Basketball
"I just thank God for the opportunity."
- Jessica Stannmen
Cooper Union's heart and soul, on what it is
like to play against Michael Mandlin.     2/01
Disclaimer: Raptormania! is a satirical website. Facts and quotes in news and game stories are fictional. All separate interview stories,
however, are real.
Raptors Land 6'8 Force
Awet Eyob Coming to Bard
July 13, 2010
The Bard Raptors didn't land LeBron James this
summer. They didn't need him.
Instead, 6'8" strongman Awet Eyob is heading to
Annandale-on-Hudson this fall, adding size and
skills never before seen at Stevenson Gymnasium
to a recruiting class already set to transform the
Raptor program.
Eyob
was profiled in The New York Times last
month, described there: "He is 6-foot-8, built like
an oak tree, and seems to have mastered a
behind-the-back dribble and crisp passes from
the corner of his eye."
He is the highest-profile recruit from Eritrea since
Josef Woldense, the acclaimed Bard center who
currently holds the team record for blocked shots
in his career.
It is clear, however, that Eyob will challenge that
and many other records in his years at Bard.
Between Eyob and Anton Popov, the Raptors
will boast a frontcourt unmatched in school
history, both in terms of size and skills. That the
two will have the opportunity to grow together
over the next four years, coached by Adam
Turner, means that there are dark days ahead for
the Skyline Conference, the Liberty League, and
fans of competitive balance the world over.
Asked to comment on Bard's imminent
domination, Director of Vassar Alumni Relations
Cathy Lunn could not be reached, as there is no
phone in the 1979 Chevrolet Chevette where she
lives.
Raptor Recruits Ready to
Destroy the Skyline
May 13, 2010
With just one more season of Skyline Conference
domination left, the Bard Raptors have already
loaded up the roster with Liberty League-level
talent, signing five first-class recruits to pair with
five returning stars to help make the final Raptor
march across the Skyline akin to General
Sherman's march across the south, but with less
mercy.
We'll detail these recruits more in the coming
days, but in brief:





















(Anton Popov- three years ago. Good luck,
Skyline Conference!)

ANTON POPOV, 6'7", Germantown Friends: A
Philly recruit in the Rasheed Wallace mold, Popov
can shoot lethally from the perimeter while
displaying post moves more advanced than any
interior player in Bard memory already. Don't
believe me?
Ask Youtube.

LAMAR POWELL, 6'0", West Orange, NJ: A
tremendous offensive player, both off the dribble
and from the perimeter, who can make terrific
defensive stops. Draws comparisons to Demitrius
Washington, one of the all-time Bard greats.
Watch Lamar dominate here.

ALVARO LLANES, 5'11", Manhattan Village
HS: A true New York City scorer, averaged 18
points and nearly six rebounds per contest as a
senior. Chose Bard over Hartwick and SUNY
Oneonta, presumably because he spent time in
Oneonta.

CARLOS GADELHA, 6'2", Brazil: Part of the
just-created Rio de Janiero to
Annandale-on-Hudson pipeline, Gadelha is a
master defender who can score when chances
open up, kind of like a cross between Stacey
Augmon and Kaka.

NICOLAI EDDY, 6'1", Detroit Michigan: A
player who sought Bard out, can both shoot and
handle the ball. His exploits were so voluminous
that the Detroit Free Press had to reduce the
number of days it prints to save money on ink.

Listen to Coach Adam Turner discuss the recruits,
the upcoming schedule, and Vassar's imminent
demise here.
BARD HIRES ADAM TURNER
Greatest Player in School History Set to
Become Greatest Coach, Too
August 7, 2009








As Raptormania! celebrates its tenth anniversary,
the outlook for Bard basketball has bever looked
brighter. By hiring Raptors legend Adam Turner
as head men's basketball coach, the Bard
Athletics Department has provided the best tenth
anniversary present since Larry David's wife gave
him permission to have sex with that dry cleaner
played by Gina Gershon on Curb Your
Enthusiasm.
Turner brings nothing but strengths to the table.
His on-court knowledge is without equal. He has
a strong working relationship with many of the
current players, an unparalleled recruiting network
already, a tireless work ethic and an intelligence
that will inform every facet of his work.
Only the reality that the universe is expanding-
meaning one day it will break apart and destroy
everything within- stands as a limitation to
Turner's tenure. But that isn't expected to happen
for thousands of years- years that will be
dominated by Bard basketball, thanks to the
hiring of Adam Turner.