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Dedicated to Bard College Basketball Since 2000
"I just thank God for the opportunity."
- Jessica Stannmen
Cooper Union's heart and soul, on what it is
like to play against Michael Mandlin.     2/01
Disclaimer: Raptormania! is a satirical website. Facts and quotes in news and game stories are fictional. All separate interview stories,
however, are real.
Vassar Accepts, Rejects 76
Students Saved From Hobo Life
January 29, 2012
The grim news came via e-mail: 76 students,
who'd committed no crime other than the massive
error in judgment of applying to Vassar College,
were given their grim fate: they'd been accepted
into the institution named "Most Familiar
Surroundings" by a panel of former inmates at
Attica Prison.
Slowly, tearfully, they shared the news with
friends and loved ones. Plans to build careers and
families were quietly shelved. Bindles were
But suddenly, a reprieve: it turns out Vassar had
sent out the
cruel hoax by mistake.
Vassar's Computer Science department objected
to those who would criticize it for failing to
prevent such a heartbreaking turn of events as
making an 18-year-old briefly think the future was
filled with nothing but four years of Poughkeepsie,
followed by decades of government assistance.
"That we sent an e-mail out at all represents a
huge leap forward for our college," Professor
Lucas O'Neill, chair of the Vassar Electrical Stuff
program, wrote in a letter composed in crayon on
the back of an Elmo Learns To Read coloring
book, and sent with the assistance of 27 other
Vassar graduates.
Like the dozens who survived the Hindenburg
disaster, the Lucky 76 have taken stock of their
lives, realizing just how fortunate they were to be
spared the indignity of telling their neighbors they
went to Vassar, only to be ridiculed by everyone
else in that cardboard box.
As the New York Times wrote, "Kareen
Troussard, a student in Paris, said the episode
might have saved her."
Reporting truth like that almost makes up for
Judith Miller AND Jayson Blair.
January 10, 2012
Two free throws by Matt Shubert with just ten
seconds left
gave the Bard Raptors a 59-57
victory over Vassar College, words Raptormania!
has been desperate to type since the site's
founding 12 years ago.
"In a way it kind of puts our program on the map,"
Bard coach Adam Turner said following the
game, clearly ignoring the graphic in this site's
A panicked Vassar student body realized that 17
years of dirty tricks, paid-off referees and the
employment of clearly sub-standard academic
candidates as "student" athletes had failed to hold
off the wholesome, organic growth of the Bard
athletics program.
In many ways, this victory echoed the freedoms
brought about by the Arab Spring.
Vassar is left to consider exactly what its
long-term athletics plan might be, considering that
in just a decade, the Brewers have progressed
from NCAA Tournament participants to a team
that has been utterly surpassed by Bard College.
Meanwhile, Vassar is reduced to scheduling the
Culinary Institute of America and Sarah
Lawrence, two programs that have long since
fallen off the ever-improving Bard non-conference
Without academics or athletics to point to, it
appears Vassar's best bet is to simply attach itself
to a nearby college as a satellite, and advertise
itself as "Marist's Nose Ring". On this night, and
many to come, Vassar had another name: "Bard's
Both Teams Feature Prominent
Aspects Of Programs, Histories
June 30, 2010

ABOVE: The redesigned home floor at
Stevenson Gym features the new logo,
championship banners,  and state-of-the-art
BELOW: The Vassar home floor has been
emblazoned with
Harry the Hobo Clown
(Plus-Sized), in honor of Vassar's most successful
List of '11-'12 Victims Released
June 30, 2011
The tectonic shift of basketball power Bard
College from the Skyline Conference to the
Liberty League is apparent in the Raptors'
2011-12 schedule.
While the Skyline teams, free of the ominous
reality that basketball season means second place
at best,
celebrate their newfound freedom, it is the
ironically-named Liberty League that will suffer
under the yoke of Raptor thrashings for seasons
to come.
The season opens with nine out-of-conference
matchups. Bard begins by defeating John Jay, a
tough opponent out of the CUNYAC featuring
conference rookie of the year Jamar Harry. The
victory by Bard is expected to mirror
the three
days with palsy John Jay suffered through before
dying in 1829.
The Raptors will also defeat Albany Pharmacy,
the team
that gave up 45 points to a young
Raptor years ago named... Adam Turner.
Other non-conference casualties include Yeshiva
on November 22, Mount St. Mary's on
November 29 (both on the road), as well as
Rutgers-Camden on December 7. The brutality
unleashed by Bard that night is expected to leave
Camden looking... pretty much as it does now.
Conference play begins on January 10, 2012 with
the ritual slaughter of Vassar College, this time in
Poughkeepsie. On February 14, the St.
Valentine's Day Massacre of Vassar takes place
at Stevenson Gymnasium. Other Liberty League
victims include Skidmore, Union, Hobart, St.
Lawrence, and RPI, whose team will be able to
compute to the forty-third decimal place both
how big Bard's can of whoop-ass is, and the
precise moment Bard opened it.