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| Collinmania! sweeps the Bard Campus November 25 - Bard security chief Ken Cooper has a message for Bard students. "Please, please, please leave Collin Orcutt alone!", demanded the security czar. "The man has finals coming up!" Nevertheless, the swarm surrounding the sophomore captain could scarcely be greater since his game-winning three point bomb this weekend against Johnson State. Orcutt's room has been inundated with congratulatory well-wishers, phone calls by the hundreds, pornographic e-mails, even approximately 3700 telegrams, despite the complete lack of telegraph facilities anywhere near the area. "What a shot!" - Samuel F.B. Morse Orcutt's five three-pointers in a single game has brought him to the attention of major shoe companies. However, Orcutt is not ready to give up his college eligibility just yet. "And 1 told me if I would choke P.J. Carlesimo, they'd give me $3 million," said Orcutt. "I wasn't comfortable with that, so we settled on $800,000 for insulting his mom. I'm currently deciding whether to make fun of her weight or to imply that she is easy. But first, I'll be bringing a title to Annandale-on-Hudson." Orcutt has also been asked by Bard officials to endorse the new Mongolian grill at Kline Commons, shoving aside a previous agreement with Mongolian President Natsagiyn Bagabandi. "That Collin Orcutt can go straight to hell!", fumed Bagabandi. "Without that endorsement money, we're going to have to pay our workers in sand." |
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